Week 24: Cold harsh reality

It was a cold night for our Chairman's latest trip to a live proper real authentic premier league fixture. West Ham United visited Portsmouth for what ended up being a 1 - 1 draw. Easy, as it was, to be within touching distance of the panting, steamy stallions of West Ham's Mark Noble, Matthew Upson and Behrani - naked legs glistening with perspiration... it was also rather simple to be crestfallen by watching the keystone cops that were the Premiership's bottom club, Portsmouth.

No wonder the West Ham faithful were in happy voice. At least they weren't Portsmouth.

It was long after kick off that the beauty of the game and its attendees was evinced through the Hammers' chantings of 'Stand up if you hate Redknapp' followed instantly by the entire army of Portsmouth fans jumping to their feet and repeating the line 'Stand up if you hate Redknapp' followed by, yes, the West Ham fans standing up in return.

Our most respected Chairman had no idea that feelings ran so deeply.

In fact, He even leant over to the rodent-like proletarian, wrapped in a blue scarf and blaspheming tattoos, next to him and observed that it was remarkable how 'So You Think You Can Dance' had captured everyone's imagination.

Manager of the Week is Smasher. His non-moving Inter Milandrover notched up a respectable 23 points pushing themselves just short of the chasing pack. Livercoolio jump into second place to join Dube Stars and RS T-Boy in the hunt for Decimated Left Peg's top spot.

Greg Spencer's Heroes die another death... of minus 1.

Week 23: OFFL Cup Results - First Round

In an OFFL cup week it's always good to see some high scoring going on. Well, for most of you anyway. It's even better to see your team score much less than most and still make it through to the next round because your opponent is improbably even worse than you. [All turn to look at a blushing, head-hanging, Gavin Ward (HashaSmasha) who seems to have relied on his Points per Pound difference to squeeze past Fat Mal's Second 11].

Manager of the Week is Sarah John. Her Johnnies Heroes netted a megalarge 32 points guaranteeing her passage through to the next round. Let's see how the rest of you got on...


OFFL Cup
First Round
Results, Week 23

Sheep City 21 v 8 Lovedean Academicals
Nuttingham Florist 16 v 20 Wymondham Wanderers
Lashings of Cheese 12 v 21 BM Mingmongs
Fat Mal's Second 11 7 v 7 HashaSmasha
Arsenorm 14 v 7 Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes 32 v 15 Cardinal Gold Rovers
Livercoolio 22 v 12 Kicking the Ahbit
Pompey Puss 19 v 15 Upmintster United
Dirtbox Albion 6 v 20 A God Called Fred
Knievel United 19 v -7 Must Murder Mojo Mainly
Gotsmanov's Salute 11 v 12 Tesco Value FC
Mannschester Rovers 7 v 24 Menarepigs Is Back
Spencer's Heroes 3 v 12 Olymping Macdrid
Dube Stars 27 v 13 Inter Milandrover
Decimated Left Peg 26 v 17 Torun Terrors
RS T-Boy 23 v 2 Moanchester Onionited


Congratulations to: Martyn Field, Steve Tierney, Neil McConaghy, Gavin Ward, Mark Norman, Sarah John, Russ Bielby, Lionel Larking, Rob Ivison, Edgar Rayner, Ashley Keeler, Kate Wilson, Craig McHugh, Khumbula Dube, Neil Jukes and Rick Beecroft.

Week 22: OFFL Cup Excitement

As the highly desirable Kate Wilson nurses her wounded -6 scorehaul, Big Mally rubs his belly in celebration of being this week's Manager of the Week [by steering his Fat Mal's Second 11 to a haughty 3 points]. He then takes a few moments to consider whether or not his tic tacs should be exchanged for tactics in readiness for the Cup.

With only a few hours to spare this is his, and your, last chance to get transfers in for the first round of the OFFL Cup. It's this week. And the deadline, as per usual, is the Monday of that week. That is, today at 1730hrs.

Foof.

You know what's at stake... http://j.mp/8RF07I

Indeed, it's the Walshman versus the Welshman, Pet versus Owner, Brighton fan versus Portsmouth fan, Oxford Uni employee versus Oxford Uni employee etc etc. Gosh. How terribly, terribly exciting old bean.

Good luck to one and all.

Week 21: The OFFL Draw for the First Round

Manager of the Week is Alex Blundell. His team, Moanchester Onionited, notched up an impressive 21 points pushing themselves into Twenty-first place in the league. Which means, according to last week's Studmarks, that Onionited will be facing ninth placed RS T-Boy in the first round of the OFFL Cup to be played throughout Week 23.

So, let's have a look at the fixture list for the Cup in its entirety.


OFFL Cup

All games to be played over Week 23.

ROUND ONE

Sheep City v Lovedean Academicals
Nuttingham Florist v Wymondham Wanderers
Lashings of Cheese v BM Mingmongs
Fat Mal's Second 11 v HashaSmasha
Arsenorm v Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes v Cardinal Gold Rovers
Livercoolio v Kicking the Ahbit
Pompey Puss v Upmintster United
Dirtbox Albion v A God Called Fred
Knievel United v Must Murder Mojo Mainly
Gotsmanov's Salute v Tesco Value FC
Mannschester Rovers v Menarepigs Is Back
Spencer's Heroes v Olymping Macdrid
Dube Stars v Inter Milandrover
Decimated Left Peg v Torun Terrors
RS T-Boy v Moanchester Onionited

In other words...

Martyn Field v Danny Atkins
Andy Straw v Steve Tierney
Chris Walsh v Neil McConaghy
Malcolm Pratt v Gavin Ward
Mark Norman v Alun Edwards
Sarah John v Nick Borrett
Russ Bielby v Mat Tucker
Lionel Larking v Minty Colquhoun
Adrian Bradley v Rob Ivison
Edgar Rayner v Chris Brown
Nick Reed v Ashley Keeler
Dan Manns v Kate Wilson
Greg Spencer v Craig McHugh
Khumbula Dube v Smasher
Neil Jukes v Guy Harewood
Rick Beecroft v Alex Blundell

Get those Cup winning transfers in as soon as you can.

Week 20: Livercoolio Enjoys Christmas

Manager of the Week, this most festive of weeks, is Russ Bielby. His Livercoolio scored 23 points pushing themselves up to second place in the table.

And Mr Bielby isn't resting on his laurels and hardies there. He's only gone and jiggled his front line-up up. Another fine mess he's got himself into?

Week 19: Twas the Week Before Christmas...

Manager of the Week this week is Rob Ivison again after managing his team toa very impressive score of 35 points. Massive. The score means A God
Called Fred climbs up five places in the table.

Just as worthy of note is Sarah Johns's team [Johnnies Heroes] climbing nine places into Fourteenth.

Nine Places. Foof.

....and finally, at last...


The OFFL Cup

Your League Table position after the Christmas period will determine your
OFFL Cup fixture for the First Round, i.e. ninth place in the table will
play sixth, fourteenth place will play thirteenth etc.

9 v 6 14 v 13 20 v 8 24 v 28
19 v 23 18 v 10 2 v 31 25 v 16
27 v 7 29 v 30 12 v 11 15 v 26
32 v 22 3 v 5 1 v 17 4 v 21

Week 18: Reaching Out to the Masses - and then changing one's mind

Yes, it was a funny old morning. Our Chairman had awoken five hours earlier than normal and so decided to try out something referred to as 'Breakfast' for once.

He'd greedily started munching through his over-milked cornflakes in front of the BBC's morning telly offering when suddenly an image appeared that made him gasp and panic for a short sharp switch back to the dry, humourless Turnbull & Williams sofa love-in.

In fact, the sight that was, quite literally, thrown up on Our Chairman's tastefully tinsel-framed screen was so traumatic that Our Usually Dignified and Most Serene Chairman returned the throw-up by guffaw-spewing an entire mouthful of milk and soggy flakes all over it as he desperately tried to reach for the remote control Off switch.

The sight that caused such spasms was that of OFFL Manager Nick Reed, of Gotsmanov's Salute.

On television.

In colour.

Shirt And Tie.

And Everything.

Clearly he was about to announce that his club was not in any financial trouble at all and could, actually, do with a bit more support from the fans. However, suffering from nerves and cold feet at the thought of the potential damage he could be doing to dressing room morale he chickened out at the last moment and ranted on and on about some sort of Transport Stat' about mobile phone usage on the road.

And such is the inadequacy of the current crap crop of investigative BBC Churnalists waving fluffy microphones in people's faces that the earnestly four-eyed presenter even encouraged Mr Reed to go off message with his stupid questions about accident rates and driving abilities.

Luckily for Mr Reed, the Chairman has decided against fining his team for having a manager that abuses his own pretty boy looks to intimidate the opposition. His eventual League position and inevitable Cup exit will be humiliative punishment enough.

The entire débâcle can be witnessed here http://j.mp/6He3MZ

Manager of the Week this week is Sarah John who guided her Johnny's Heroes to a weekly haul of 18 points.

Massive.

Arsenorm climbs furthest, up four, while Mat 'Lazy' Tucker wrestles last place from the incompetently loose and wimpish grip of Greg Spencer's Spencer's Heroes.

And finally, Neil 'Decimated Left Peg' Jukes retrieves the lead from Khumbula 'One Week' Dube.

And that, my lovelies, is all for this week.