Week 20: Livercoolio Enjoys Christmas

Manager of the Week, this most festive of weeks, is Russ Bielby. His Livercoolio scored 23 points pushing themselves up to second place in the table.

And Mr Bielby isn't resting on his laurels and hardies there. He's only gone and jiggled his front line-up up. Another fine mess he's got himself into?

Week 19: Twas the Week Before Christmas...

Manager of the Week this week is Rob Ivison again after managing his team toa very impressive score of 35 points. Massive. The score means A God
Called Fred climbs up five places in the table.

Just as worthy of note is Sarah Johns's team [Johnnies Heroes] climbing nine places into Fourteenth.

Nine Places. Foof.

....and finally, at last...


The OFFL Cup

Your League Table position after the Christmas period will determine your
OFFL Cup fixture for the First Round, i.e. ninth place in the table will
play sixth, fourteenth place will play thirteenth etc.

9 v 6 14 v 13 20 v 8 24 v 28
19 v 23 18 v 10 2 v 31 25 v 16
27 v 7 29 v 30 12 v 11 15 v 26
32 v 22 3 v 5 1 v 17 4 v 21

Week 18: Reaching Out to the Masses - and then changing one's mind

Yes, it was a funny old morning. Our Chairman had awoken five hours earlier than normal and so decided to try out something referred to as 'Breakfast' for once.

He'd greedily started munching through his over-milked cornflakes in front of the BBC's morning telly offering when suddenly an image appeared that made him gasp and panic for a short sharp switch back to the dry, humourless Turnbull & Williams sofa love-in.

In fact, the sight that was, quite literally, thrown up on Our Chairman's tastefully tinsel-framed screen was so traumatic that Our Usually Dignified and Most Serene Chairman returned the throw-up by guffaw-spewing an entire mouthful of milk and soggy flakes all over it as he desperately tried to reach for the remote control Off switch.

The sight that caused such spasms was that of OFFL Manager Nick Reed, of Gotsmanov's Salute.

On television.

In colour.

Shirt And Tie.

And Everything.

Clearly he was about to announce that his club was not in any financial trouble at all and could, actually, do with a bit more support from the fans. However, suffering from nerves and cold feet at the thought of the potential damage he could be doing to dressing room morale he chickened out at the last moment and ranted on and on about some sort of Transport Stat' about mobile phone usage on the road.

And such is the inadequacy of the current crap crop of investigative BBC Churnalists waving fluffy microphones in people's faces that the earnestly four-eyed presenter even encouraged Mr Reed to go off message with his stupid questions about accident rates and driving abilities.

Luckily for Mr Reed, the Chairman has decided against fining his team for having a manager that abuses his own pretty boy looks to intimidate the opposition. His eventual League position and inevitable Cup exit will be humiliative punishment enough.

The entire débâcle can be witnessed here http://j.mp/6He3MZ

Manager of the Week this week is Sarah John who guided her Johnny's Heroes to a weekly haul of 18 points.

Massive.

Arsenorm climbs furthest, up four, while Mat 'Lazy' Tucker wrestles last place from the incompetently loose and wimpish grip of Greg Spencer's Spencer's Heroes.

And finally, Neil 'Decimated Left Peg' Jukes retrieves the lead from Khumbula 'One Week' Dube.

And that, my lovelies, is all for this week.

Week 17: Our New Leader

After ten weeks at the top, Neil Jukes has been knocked off the top by Our New Leader, Khumbula Dube. Indeed, congratulations to the manager of Dube All Stars who enjoys a four point lead over Decimated Left Peg.

Manager of the Week is Rob Ivison whose A God Called Fred notched up 22pts, justifying his substitutes of a couple of weeks ago. Briefly.

A God Called Fred move up five places.

Meanwhile, Mat Tucker is desperately trying to seize Greg Spencer's spot at the bottom of the table by scoring minus 1 this week. This could, actually, be seen as attempted Actual Bodily Harm what with Greg's unexplained nosebleeds the moment he comes anywhere close to rising above bottom.

Week 16: Compression

Things are beginning to shift. The Chasing Pack [positions Three to Eight in the table right now] is compressing. And making up ground on the Way Aheaders.

OFFLologians seem to be commenting that history suggests we should expect a lone team to be spat out of the Chasing Pack in an upwards direction, any time soon, taking the leaders by surprise.

And the reason for this League Table Brownian excitement?

http://j.mp/8RF07I

Yes. It's amazing how one little teapot can have such an effect on League activity. The thirst for glory. The romance of the cup. It's inspiring, isn't it?

For the second time this season, Manager of the Week is Dan Manns. His team, Mannschester Rovers netted 23 points this week, moving them up to seventeenth. Menarepigs Is Back have finally leapt over the 100 point mark and Olymping Macdrid move up four.

You're all rather lovely.

The 2010 OFFL Cup Prizes

It's what you've been waiting for, isn't it?


Indeed this is what makes the pain worthwhile.  Knowing that it's for something special.

Indeed, play this little YouTube clip to see this season's very exclusive prize for the eventual winner of the OFFL Cup. 

 "It could be you"

This season's prize was proudly donated by Mr Mark Faulkner.  There are also a couple of consolation prizes for the runner up of course. 

May the contest begin.

Week 15: Earthquake

Some might put an open palmed hand to their foreheads in disbelief. Others might just have frozen to the spot, eyes wide, with a frightened, but steady gulp to give away that feeling of shock inside. And those from the highly predictable F•R•I•E•N•D•S generation would merely have clasped their hands to their mouths to mufflescream the drama queen's speech of...

Oh.

My.

God.

They say, indeed, that the fore mentioned deity moves in mysterious ways. This is often just a phrase used to cold comfort a chit-chatter after news of a major human disaster. Like an Earthquake, for example.

Well, He [or She] certainly unleashed the Point-equivalent of an earthquake on this particular Fantasy Football League Village. Not only did the Manager of the Week certificate go to Khumbula Dube for his Dube Stars' 34 point mega-haul, but also the worst score of the season [so far] has been suffered by, yes, we all know who, Mat Tucker's Tat Mucker.

Minus 9.

Thank you Jermaine Defoe and Aaron Lennon.

The Table has been shaken with such ferocity that teams have been jiggled around the League placings like never before. Smasher falls to seventh, Pompey Puss falls seven, Wymondham Wanderers climb five, Dirtbox Albion climbs up six and Cardinal Gold Rovers climb highest by jumping up eight places.

Massive.

Word.

WEEK 14: Johnny's Zeroes

On most Guy Fawkes Nights, our most gracious Chairman is very much like a pre-spooked Ebenezer at Christmas.

Wrapped up in a thick winter coat, woolly scarf strangling his throat into nothing but grumpsome gurgles, wheezingly wondering how on earth his personal nurse had come to the conclusion that an outside stroll to see the fireworks would be of any enjoyment to him whatsoever.  Whiz Bang Bah Humbug!

However, this year, something happened to distract the tedious ooh-ing and aah-ing at the overhead explosions.  Whilst trying to stealthily extend a would-be thieving mitten-clad hand in the direction of a distracted child's half-eaten hot dog, The Chairman suddenly caught sight of the only remaining telephone box in town.  Not particularly attention seeking on its own you might think but on this occasion Our Most Sober Chairman was taken aback.

Within the telephone box was a whirling woman blurrily spinning into a change of blue and red.

Suppressing his urge to rebuke her for occupying a telephone box without any intention of using it for its designated purpose, our Chairman watched astounded as the door opened to reveal the Manager of Johnny's Heroes, Sarah John [pictured] step out dressed as Supergirl, sniffing the cold air for a fantasy team to save.

Indeed, our erstwhile superzero has turned her attention to her own outfit of fantasy failures.

At last.

In a press statement she claimed that the overpowering smell of gunpowder on the night had inspired her to "put a rocket up my team and bring much needed sparkle to the languishing damp embers which has become Johnnies Heroes".

Six transfers followed.

And to be honest, that's really all we, here at Studmarks, had for you this week:  "Sarah John submits six transfers".  But, well, you know how it is once the Chairman has one of his hallucinations.

More interestingly, perhaps, the Manager of the Week certificate is being torn up, with each piece being shared out amongst Alex Blundell, Nick Reed, Alun Edwards, Dan Manns, Sarah John, Gavin Ward and Adrian Bradley.  All of whom managed to steer their respective teams into scoring an enormous 3 points.

Aww Bless.

We thank the distorting effect of yet another 'International Week'.

Week 13: Bottom Dweller Creepage

Last week's bottom-dweller is this week's Manager of the Week certificate winner after Edgar Rayner's Knievel United notched up an untouchable 21 points. This has also meant a rise of one place in the table for the latest entrant to this year's competition.

Current Champions Radnorshire Tigers, however, can't be quite so pleased with themselves as they drop like a stone, scoring minus 3 and falling four places. We, here at OFFL HQ, hear rumours of the much maligned 'backing of the Chairman' for manager Mr Edwards.

Things are bleak. Oh so bleak.

Three More Hundred Pointers

Flicking off the crumbs of yet another fun-size packet of Maltesers from the taut surface of his debauched belly, the Chairman actually managed to notice this week that the teams in positions two to six all made up some ground on the early season tearaway leaders, Decimated Left Peg.

Then a button popped off his waistcoat and stole his attention away from all matters OFFL leaving us here at OFFL HQ to marshal things as usual.

Which means that we have decided to fill this annoying piece of time-waste with news that Upmintster United, Pompey Puss and Tesco Value FC are the latest teams to pass the 100 point mark. And also that, in spite of getting rid of Agbonlahor just before he hit a very rich vein of form, Livercoolio push into third.


Manager of the Week this week is Lionel Larking whose Pompey Puss notch up a purrfectly acceptable 22 points Meanwhile good news also greets this week's highest climber, Rob Ivison's A God Called Fred who ascends five places.

And everyone stare at Nick Reed. Go on. Yes. His Gotsmanov's Salute fall farthest. Down seven. Stop sniggering at the back - it could happen to you next week. Well, most of you.

One Hundred and Fifty-Three Days

As the nights draw in, the clocks have finally gone back and we're all throwing longing glances in the direction of calendar 2010.

Only one hundred and fifty-three days till British Summer Time.

Sigh.

So, while we wait for that smell of freshly cut grass to waft through the car window as we queue on a sunny motorway slip road in March we have to distract ourselves with the important things in life.

Like the fact that Russ Bielby and Ashley Keeler have jointly won the Manager of the Week certificate. They steer their respective Livercoolio and Tesco Value FC to 20 points each. Livercoolio climb six places into fourth.

Highest climber of the week is Lionel Larking's Pompey Puss, up seven. Steve Tierney's Wymondham Wanderers fall furthest, down seven. [Sniggerchortle].

Week 10: Lead Stretched

Another three League teams pass the 100 point mark with Inter Milandrover regaining second spot. Overall, however, the chasing pack loses ground [1 point] to leaders, Decimated Left Peg.

Manager of the Week is Craig McHugh who steered his Olymping Macdrid to a point haul of 12, kicking them up the ladder by, oh, one place. Highest climber this week is Chris Brown's Must Kill Mojo [up four] farthest faller is Alun Edwards' Radnorshire Tigers [down four].

Everyone stare at Dan Manns and Gavin Ward [snigger] minus one point this week.

One Fixture May Not Mean Much To You, But It Does To Gavin

HashaSmasha netted 3 points this week earning manager Gavin Ward the Manager of the Week certificate and a climb of one place in the table. Highest ascender is Radnorshire Tigers, up two places, after scoring a mammothian 2 points.

We also welcome Edgar Rayner into the fold. His team Knievel United is in no way a blatant marketing attempt at raising sales of the album 'This Year's Evel Knievel' by Loopy on iTunes.

On iTunes.

That's iTunes.

I. Tunes.

Meanwhile, we await bandmate Tom's entry which will, we are led to believe, only include footballers' names that have musical connotations. Our collective eyebrow is arched into a cramp.

And finally, we welcome back Rick 'Captain Beecy' Beecroft from his honeymoon this week and hope that he and his 'Assistant Manager' had a great time [pictured].

Tweet Tweet

Week 08

Manager of the Week this week is Neil Jukes who extends his lead at the top of the table by netting 22 points for his Decimated Left Peg. Livercoolio rise highest, no thanks to Agbonlahor of course, by climbing six places while Champions Radnorshire Tigers and Not-Champions Lashings of Cheese fall three. Olymping Macdrid fumble their way off the bottom of the table.

Is it time to reveal this season's OFFL Cup prize yet?

It's All Arsenorm About Face At The Top

We have a change at the top as Inter Milandrover fail to surf the wave of points that crashed against the OFFL shore this week. They get barged out of the way by new leaders Decimated Left Peg and last week's Manager of the Week's Lovedean Academicals.

With an amazing score of 26 points, we see Arsenorm more than double their point tally so far this season earning their manager, Mark 'New Dad' Norman, this week's Manager of the Week Certificate, Keane TOT and O'Shea MU doing most of the work.

Moanchester Onionited climb highest [six places] into eighth while everybody stare at Andy Straw and his Nuttingham Florist... they fall lowest [seven places] into thirteenth.

Are you ready to find out more about this year's cup prize?

Tesco Tumble

Our Chairman has put his faith in the well-oiled machine that is the OFFL to run itself over the next week and a half while He has been invited over to the well-oiled provinces of Italy by the well-oiled Italian FA.

All in the name of 'Searching for New Talent' He reassures us. Though there's something quite amiss about that faint sound of what could be a sewing machine trying to over-take a cart full of olives on Puglia's Adriatic highway.

Manager of the Week this week is Kate 'Still Goes to Watch Oxford Play' Wilson with a rather chubby little score of 19 points. This takes the rather sexistly monikered Menarepigs Are Back up four places in the table. Biggest League Table movers, however, are Tesco Value FC: tumbling down five places. No movement in the top four though. Has the OFFL already established its Official Top Four for the year?

Chasing Pack Close In

Manager of the Week this week is Danny 'Champion of the World' Atkins with a neat little point profit of 18 for his Lovedean Academicals. Ankle-knacked Guy Harewood's Torun Terrors climb highest [up six] into seventh place in the table while Kicking the Ahbit fall six. RS T-Boy, meanwhile, nudge into joint second alongside Decimated Left Peg and the chasing pack all close in on current leaders Inter Milandrover.

Bielby Goes Bonkers

Frontrunners Inter Milandrover and Decimated Left Peg have set the early pace this season with a large chasing pack not far behind, led by last year's runner-up RS T-Boy. It seems the rest of the League are comforting themselves with the wisdom that it is indeed 'a marathon, not a sprint'.

In the main, no-one is getting carried away...

In particular, Nick Reed.

His Gotsmanov's Salute, named after a cheeky little Belarusian called Sergey, have just dropped seven places after scoring a measly 5 points this week. Shame.

However, with the 'marathon, not a sprint' mantra reverberating reassuringly round his head, even Mr Reed isn't spunking transfers all over the place in an exuberant bid to claw back the terrible mess. Unlike Russ Bielby, manager of Livercoolio, who knows a thing or two about messy spunking.

Avid readers, [alright then, just readers] of last week's Studmarks will recall an early double transfer request from the self-monikered 'Rafa the Gaffa'. The First transfers of the season in fact.

Indeed, his managerial master-stroking consisted of booting out Arsenal's Arshavin and Aston Villa's Agbonlahor.... just as they both, as if by magic, did each score Premiership goals.

Anyone who has heard Our Chairman laugh out loud rarely forgets the awkward discomfort they feel during the experience.

Now, you would have thought that Mr Bielby, buttock-clenchingly desperate to keep within spurting distance of colleague Rick Beecroft, might have learned his lesson after Week 2. But no. Here he comes again... like an unfulfilled Kamikaze pilot on a bungee... this time with three spurnees. Gone are GK Begovic, CB Hangeland and MF Kuyt.

OFFL Umpa Lumpas are now preparing for a rush on the trio.

And, what with enough keywords in this post to surely throw Google's smut filter into an apoplectic censorship frenzy, we do hope you are able to read this edition of Studmarks.

Manager of the Week this week is Khumbula Dube whose Dube Stars notched up an impressive 25 points pushing them up six places into fourth.

Knee-jerk Silly Season Begins

Our Most Gracious Chairman has recently been complaining that the radio transmissions he intercepts from Interpol's communication frequencies have gone eerily quiet. It's a little hobby of his and has nothing to do with the little incident involving that Gibraltar Rock Ape and a packet of Nik-Naks last Spring.

What makes it so galling for Our Chairman is that this particular law agency has been asking some pretty interesting questions about some of the OFFL members.

Apparently, leading up to the radio silence, intelligence was focussing on the Stag Do Tourist Hot Spot of Prague.

After some initial digging [on facebook.cz] by our Studmarks junior, Piotr, it seems that it has something to do with the OFFL's inevitable Knee-jerk Silly Season having already begun...

Such is the excruciatingly exuberant enthusiasm to ensure his colleague Rick Beecroft doesn't leave him behind in the table again this year, Russ Bielby - the self-proclaimed Rafa The Gaffa of the League - has indeed knee-jerked himself into a transfer market Can-Can by already using up a sixth of his allotted swap requests for the season.

Russ has rapidly ditched the annoyingly unpredictable Agbonlahor and the diminutive Russian-all-over-the-pitch Arshavin in a bid to also ward off any suggestion that his wife, the 'The Weakest Link Winning' Madame of Marketing, Sarah Johns.

So, it seems the RealSense boys are going to be at each others' throats again this season. Which is excellent news for the rest of us. But not so great for RS T-Boy's Stag 'Event' in Prague at the weekend.

Manager of the Week is Alex "Bloody Hell" Blundell. His Moanchester Onionited netted a massive+1 31 points to secure his Manager of the Week Certificate that won't be making its way to him by the first post. And no, he was never a real footballer.

Not like Danny Atkins.

Week 01 - Welcome to the New OFFL Season

The wash of teams lapping up against the shores of the Chairman's wreckage of an inbox every August and September is always a pleasant reminder of how things never really change. At least, not the important things at any rate.

A bit like the regular 11am arrival of the 300g stool with the morning's papers fanned out at one's quivering slippers - there's something predictable about the majestically productive way it passes the time.

And the previous evening's supper of course.

Or, more prosaically, the dawn of the new OFFL Season can be seen as a stark reminder that we've done nothing with our Summer days and should, quite frankly, be ashamed of ourselves. Our childhood dreams of living more interesting lives have disappeared so completely from our exhausted imaginations that we're now vicariously pursuing a tiny fraction of them through a pathetic text based lunch time boredom reliever.

Whichever way you look at it, it's queer and it's here. So get used to it.

And having used up five paragraphs for what could be classed as the worst opening passages of a new season's Studmarks ever... Welcome to the Office Fantasy Football League Season of 2009/2010.

The unimaginative celebratory cakes have been unwrapped, the tea-urn has been switched on and the Umpa Lumpa's are dancing out their own peculiar, some might patronisingly say 'sweet', Haka at the coffee machine; all in preparation for team registration...

...and these are the nonsensical selections you've all made...[see below]

Manager of the Week this week is, clearly, Neil Jukes for his Decimated Left Peg. 27 points, claiming the first Top Spot of the season. The non-existent Certificate is [not] on its way to you, sir.

In the meantime, everyone else, don't get too distressed at your poor point scoring just yet. Always, remember... ALWAYS remember... it is a arathon, not a misprint.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com
http://twitter.com/offl

This year's OFFL Cup Prize is a real beauty this season folks so prepare for disappointment: There can be only One...[winner].

The Chairman is always right

When picking your team, don’t forget that it is, indeed, a marathon and not a sprint [distant cheers from afar].

The sooner you get your team in, the sooner you start getting points.

However, don’t forget... the later you get your team in, the fewer transfers you’ll waste on covering up the early naive mistakes you will no doubt make. Though, generally, it is accepted that the sooner you start scoring the better your final League position will be. Oh yes.

Here’s the lovingly prepared SelectYourTeam.xls sheet. You can also click on the link over to the right.

And what’s this? A new OFFL Cup Prize?

It’s one you will definitely NOT want to miss out on. Proper Straight Up and That, innit.

Ooh, yeah. One last thing. Er, never - and I mean never - forget...

The
Chairman is
always
right.

SS Syndrome and its inevitable cure

It’s not been an easy Summer what with normal Human Beings denied top flight football for months. It’s outrageous. No wonder the Chairman checks himself into the Betty Boothroyd Clinic for attention seeking addiction.

It’s a pattern that repeats itself every two years. Soccerless Summer Syndrome is its popular moniker and it leaves its victims trembling, dribbling and bibbling like a baby.

And this is how we find Our Chairman.

Again.

Over the last week he’s been trying to pull himself together but it won’t be long before he realises the futility of such a ridiculous notion. With a band of merry Umpa Lumpas helping him dress each morning he’s been given clearance to return to his dingy little bedsit constituency where he’ll start to prepare for Government.

Well, OFFL government at least.

The Studmarks presses are being oiled up, the calculators re-batteried and the bacon sarnies have been ordered for the first morning of OFFL action on Monday. Yes, Monday.

Without or without any OFFL teams.

You will be turned into an Official OFFL twit [available here: twitter.com/OFFL] when your application to join this year’s League has been accepted.

http://offl.littlesmasher.com

Firstly, for you twits out there wanting to keep twup to date with twOFFL then you can follow us http://twitter.com/OFFL. Simple really.

In the meantime: you could, of course, just subscribe to this blog.

Or wait for the usual emails and sod it all.

Whatever you decide, have a happy New Season.

Doing it with gloves on

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's another piece of evidence to thrust angrily into the faces of the naysayers, disbelievers and scoffers who think that the OFFL is just a whimsical nonsense enjoyed by the life-weary desk-trapped loafers amongst you.

Evidence, indeed, that evinces and convinces that this most beloved of OFFL competitions is worth every second that is ploughed into it and not a complete waste of valuable time that could be used to help old people across busy roads.

Our new Office Fantasy Football League Champions' manager, Ally Edwards, has taken the time to write to us all, even feeling the need to explain the history behind his team's name "Radnorshire Tigers".

No really, Ally, you needn't.... [too late]

"I really enjoyed this year's league - as I have the few years I've done it - but this year's headless-chicken knee-jerk reactions appear to have paid off!

"Never before won any kind of sporting accolade for leadership ;) although did once win man-of-the-match for 7 catches in one game (in the outfield)!

"btw the team name is from a story (sort of in the style of P.G. Wodehouse's 'Jeeves' crossed with Grossmith's 'Mr Pooter') written in local press circa 1901 in response to a news story as reported in The Times (Saturday, Nov 17, 1900; pg. 11; Issue 36302; col G - see attached imagefile). I worked as an archivist for years in Llandrindod and that story was my favourite artefact!

"Best wishes, Ally"

Archivists, eh? They do it with gloves on.