Honours List

Office Fantasy Football League Champions

Livercoolio, having scored 498
managed by
Russel Bielby


Runners Up, having scored 487
RS T-Boy
managed by
Rick Beecroft


OFFL Cup Winners

Menarepigs Is Back
managed by
Kate Wilson

OFFL Cup Runners Up
Decimated Left Peg
managed by
Neil Jukes

Week 39: Game Over!

Standing too close to the referee at full-time is not the wisest thing to do. The rattled shrill of the pea in his blasted whistle is enough to make the post-match handshakes and after-game back-pats appear to happen in a tinnitus-filled opening scene to Saving Private Ryan.

Heads hang, all players trudge off the local leisure centre's rubbish pitch.

Another season has come to an end.

Another diabolical shambles of a season has come to an end.

Hang on a sec'. Where's that giggling coming from...?

Oh look. Just as the distinctive trot of metal studs scraping on concrete signifies your approach to the changing rooms you turn around and see Menarepigs Is Back and Livercoolio, hanging back, running like possessed loons round the pitch making cheering crowd noises at the bushes and holding each other's hands in the air.

Ooh, I think that's Greg Spencer running to join them in an ironic lap of honour of his own.

OFFL Cup Final

Result

Menarepigs Is Back 22 v 14 Decimated Left Peg

Thanks to the sweeping changes just before kick-off it seems that Menarepigs Is Back has pinched the cup from under the nose of fourth placed manager Neil Jukes. This is in spite of the fact that Decimated Left Peg's striker scored a hat-trick and Kate Wilson's two front men did nothing of any note whatsoever.

The Footballing Teapot is on its way to Oxford to be held aloft by Kate in a procession around Oxford United's Kassam Stadium before the play-off final against York City on Sunday. Which will be a shame because Oxford, York and every one of their fans will all be at Wembley where the game is being played.

The final Manager of the Week Certificate is shared by Ashley Keeler and Craig McHugh - both of whom steered their respective teams, Tesco Value FC and Olymping Macdrid, to a Weekly net of 26 points.

Also congratulations to Upmintster United for the valiant end-of-season push towards the top of the table. A finishing spot of Third Place, gained in the final week, is quite an achievement.

Sincere thanks to everyone who has contributed this season. The Chairman, who has already been tracked down and carted off by his 'friends' from his 'home', will be using World Cup Panini Sticker Album sticker-collecting instead of Basket-weaving this summer.

Week 38: Approaching the Last Week

The Chairman's knees are knocking in excitement. Which is, it seems, what happens at this time of season every year. It's just before he starts foaming at the mouth, body-jolting to the floor and being carted away by the boys in white lab coats for a summer of incarcerated insanity.

But not before this: the last week.

It's the OFFL Cup Final and we have four teams within 16 points of each other at the top of the table. Can Livercoolio hang on just that little bit longer? Can Upmintster United complete an amazing end-of-season burst by lunging for the line in spectacular style.

Probably not but it's worth stringing this out for just one more paragraph.

In the cup we've witnessed one of the finalists make sweeping changes in a last ditch attempt to rescue their season. And while last year's champs, Radnorshire Tigers, languish somewhere in the shady shadows of the lower league by dropping two places, lifting two places is Lovedean Academicals. Indeed, manager Danny Atkins is this week's Manager of the Week by helping his Lovedean to 15 points.

OFFL Cup Final

Menarepigs Is Back v Decimated Left Peg

So, which players will be involved?

194 P Evra FB MU v 159 S Warnock FB BLA
202 D Higginbotham FB STO v 212 V Corluka FB TOT
225 C Cuellar CB AV v 262 R Dunne CB MC
269 S Distin CB POR v 279 M Dawson CB TOT
326 D Dunn MF BLA v 358 L Osman MF EVE
362 M Arteta MF EVE v 313 A Young MF AV
354 F Lampard MF CHE v 387 S Gerrard MF LIV
530 J Defoe ST TOT v 484 D Drogba ST CHE
507 E Adebayor ST MC v 526 D Bent ST SUN

In the event of a draw Menarepigs will be crowned OFFL Cup Winners as they will have a better Points per Pound ratio.

Week 37: Decimated Left Peg to do The Double?

With only two Premiership weeks' worth of games left we have Upmintster United's manager thinking she's *All That* and grabbing yet another Manager of the Week certificate by seeing her Fourth placers nab 36 points this week. Upmintster are now a mere 20 points behind leaders Livercoolio.

Just as thrillingly, no - make that MORE thrillingly - is RS T-Boy trailing just 5 points behind the leader, his colleague. Time to state the obvious: It's tight at the top.

The Jukes of Neil is also in with a shot and could, in fact, steer his Decimated Left Peg into pulling off that elusive Double. Unless Wilson of Kate from Menarepigs Is Back gets her bitter way. As the teams stand, a draw in the final of the OFFL Cup would see her lift the trophy and take the teapot. Good job it wasn't played this week 'cos that would have been a 28 - 1 thrashing in Jukesy's favour. Ms Wilson, however, does have plenty of transfers remaining.

Ms Wilson?

Psst! Kate... Transfers.... Plenty of them...

OFFL Cup
To be played over Week 39

Menarepigs Is Back v Decimated Left Peg

Week 36: The Semi-finals of the OFFL Cup in Silence

Can you hear that? That's the sound of peaceful blue skies filled with birdsong and insectbuzz that is.

Indeed, the latest apocalypse seems to be having a rather interesting effect on the local villages surrounding Heathrow.

Ear-plug sales are down.

A portentous vision of footballing life in a few weeks, perhaps? When the season comes to an end. Only for the jumbo jet engines to roar back into action for the Summer's World Cup. And England being erupted out of it after the group stages.

With volcanic Ashley coal strewn all over the place.

Not pretty. But that probably won't stop him from sending the pictures from his phone.

And with that pathetic time-wasting attempt at building suspense...

The OFFL Cup
Semi-Finals, Results

Knievel United 7 v 9 Decimated Left Peg
Menarepigs Is Back 16 v 7 Sheep City

The Juke manages to scrape his Decimated Left Peg past the Knievel and into the Final of the OFFL Cup. Congratulations also to Kate Wilson for her Menarepigs Is Back. Yes the Pigs beat the Sheep.

In order to commiserate with Sheep City we, here at the OFFL, can only recommend that you go and leave your messages of condolence here...
http://kl.am/SheepCityFBPage

Manager of the Week this week is Andy Straw. His Nuttingham Florist netted 20pts earning him that most coveted of certificates. Meanwhile, Upmintster United is still pretending to be interested in winning the League. Bless. Now only 13 pts behind third.

Tinkety Tonk.

Week 35: Modestly Boastful

Manager of the Week, Edgar Rayner, steered his Knievel United to a modestly boastful 14 points which pushes his charges on to the 300 point mark.

At last.

And as far as Upmintster United is concerned...

...surely not at this late stage.

Surely.

Week 34: that Bent bloke again

Manager of the Week is Mark Norman, manager of Arsenorm, who managed to manage a portly pull of 30 points for his team and a climb up into 18th.

Meanwhile, Decimated Left Peg has woken up and plopped themselves a point behind the second place T-Boys. Upmintster United have jumped into joint fourth! It must be that Bent bloke weaving his penalty-missing magic again.

Too late for a title challenge though, surely?

Forget Ye Not...

...Week 36...

OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals

Knievel United v Decimated Left Peg
Menarepigs Is Back v Sheep City

Week 33: OFFL Semi-Finals Draw and Highest Weekly Score

With the League reaching a mean score of 300 points at last [no thanks to Greg Spencer's Heroes, of course], Russ Bielby's Livercoolio finally puts some distance between themselves and Bielby's office rival, Mr Beecroft. Both managers enjoy lurching past the 400 point mark and seem to be fighting it out between themselves for the most coveted OFFL title.

Manager of the Week this week, and in need of a bit of a fillip, is Upmintster United's Minty Colquhoun who managed a staggering, season record of 47 points. This lifts and separates her into sixth place [up six] in the league behind an exhausted chasing pack of Jukes, Dube and Smasher. Jukes, of course, is still technically in with a chance of the Double.

Yeah. Right.


OFFL Cup

Semi-Finals

Knievel United v Decimated Left Peg
Menarepigs Is Back v Sheep City

While Evel Knievel knew a thing or two about decimated left pegs in his time, surely the tie of the round is watching the animals slog it out. Now I like pigs. But I also like sheep. But which is better?

There's only one to find out...

[fixtures to be played in Week 36 - that's the week ending 18th April]

Week 32: OFFL Results

Manager of the Week is Sheep City's Martyn Field.  15 points.

Livercoolio and RS T-Boy now share the lead.


OFFL Results

Decimated Left Peg 14 v 5 RS T-Boy
Knievel United 12 v 7 Dube Stars
Sheep City 15 v 6 Arsenorm
Tesco Value FC 4 v 13 Menarepigs Is Back

Week 31: When will the Headlines End?

When will the headlines end?

RS T-Boy Wrestle Back Top Spot from Livercoolio.

Lounge CCTV Footage Proves Guy Harewood's Manager of the Week Winning Streak [of 30 points] Had Nothing To Do With Visit With Chairman. No Score Fiddling Committed While Chairman Dribbles Himself Asleep During Last Game on Match of the Day.

When Will Mat Tucker's Misery End?


Scooch Duo On The Coach in Channel Four's Coach Trip.


When Will Headlines End?

OFFL Cup
Quarter Finals,
To be played over this week. Week 32.

Decimated Left Peg v RS T-Boy
Knievel United v Dube Stars
Sheep City v Arsenorm
Tesco Value FC v Menarepigs Is Back

You know what's at stake.

Week 30: Jukes Chases

The Weekend's Stag, Neil Jukes, fails to make up any ground on this week's low-scoring tussle between RS T-Boy and Livercoolio at the top of the table.

Meanwhile Manager of the Week, Minty Colquhoun gets her Upmintster Utd's week's score into double figures [14pts] with only one other team [Must Murder Mojo Mainly] managing to do similar.

Highest climber is Danny Atkins whose Lovedean Academicals jump up three places into eighth. One more point to go in order to hit that 300pt landmark.

Danny used to play for Tottenham, don't you know. Had to give it up because of an inju... blah, blah, yeah, yeah we've heard it all before Gordon Ramsay, Eddie Large etc etc.

Don't forget OFFL Quarter Finalists, get your transfers in for Week 32 if you want them to help you get booted out of the competition in time.

Week 29: Derby derby

It's been a strange old week for the Real Sense boys up in Derby.

Firstly to note, and probably leastly, Lashings of Cheese's Chris Walsh has just popped a sprog, ably assisted by the club's Chief Executive, Val.

Which is nice.

For the grandparents.

From where Chris works: just past the coffee machine in the centre of the mouldy Ping Pong Table that is their hot desk, sits a child-free, sleep-happy, newly-wed called 'T-Boy' Rick who, having hogged the highest hole atop the league tree for the last few weeks, has recently been spending most of his time beaming round at his colleagues like a Special Child trying to work out how to open his mouth without choking on a Gloat.

However, the joy that belongs to both of these two OFFL managers is NOTHING compared with the joy currently whooping its way around Russ Bielby's throbbing chest. Yes, his Livercoolio has only gone and leapt into the lead at the head of the League table.

He's clearly a very proud man. As is his wife, Sarah John of Johnny's Heroes who has also just announced that she's pregnant. Yes, the father is Red Russ. Though we hear the baby will be Evertonian in colour.

There may be trouble ahead.

OFFL officials have been assured that attention to League matters will not suffer as a consequence of these shenanigans and the local water company is being investigated for allegedly adding 'something' to the water in the area.

In the meantime, hearty congratulations to all.

Neil McConaghy and Lionel Larking tear the Manager of the Week certificate down the middle in order to share the honours after both BM Mingmongs and Pompey Puss score a massive 33 points. Meanwhile Danny Atkins's Lovedean Academicals runs out of puff and drops four places.

It HAS been a funny old week.

---

If you want to import the World Cup fixture list into your personal calendar then please feel free to click here...

http://j.mp/WC2010cal

...call it a little present from the OFFL.

OFFL Cup
Quarter Finals,
To be played over Week 32.

Decimated Left Peg v RS T-Boy
Knievel United v Dube Stars
Sheep City v Arsenorm
Tesco Value FC v Menarepigs Is Back

Well, look at that. It's the clash of the Titans in Decimated Left Peg versus RS T-Boy. But will the OFFL Cup Prize be taken home by any of the other promising teams?

Matches to be played over Week 32.

Week 28: OFFL Cup 2nd Round Results

Manager of the Week this week is the hip-swivelling, microphone stand-tilting, lead singer from Loopy, Edgar Rayner. His Knievel United, notched up an impressive 23 points meaning whomever he played in the cup this week, is now out...

In the meantime, Inter Milandrover becomes the 5th 300 pointer of the season enabling the leapfrogging of BM Mingmongs into that fifth place. The gap separating Top Spot from Third is a nail biting 8 points yet, with so much of the season to go, the race is far from being won just yet.

Forget ye not: tis a marathon and NOT a sprint.

The cup, on the other hand, is a series of short term point gathering spasms. Thus enabling, believe it or not, an air of romance to permeate through this 'who's gonna win it this year' competition. Much as every annual competition could boast we suppose. Yeah. Romance of the cup. Silly thing to say. Ooh, keep your voice down, here she is... [do you think she heard]...

The OFFL Cup

Second Round Results

Sheep City 19 v 10 A God Called Fred

Wymondham Wanderers 16 v 23 Knievel United

BM Mingmongs 3 v 14 Tesco Value FC

HashaSmasha -3 v 6 Menarepigs Is Back

Arsenorm 18 v 13 Olymping Macdrid

Johnny's Heroes 7 v 11 Dube Stars

Livercoolio 15 v 17 Decimated Left Peg

Pompey Puss 3 v 6 RS T-Boy

RS T-Boy only just slip past the current Cup Holders, Pompey Puss, in a thrilling tie. Ten other teams could have defeated Rick's current table toppers had they been drawn against them. Like Wymondham Wanderers for instance who, in turn, could have defeated any of eleven other teams in that round. Alas, they were drawn against Knievel United. So their season seems to have crumbled to a nothing again. And Johnny's Heroes couldn't haul one of their mammothian weekly scores out of the bag for this week as they wither under the Dube Stars.
Etc etc.

Managers through to the next round...
Martyn Field, Edgar Rayner, Ashley Keeler, Kate Wilson, Mark Norman, Khumbula Dube, Neil Jukes and Rick Beecroft

Week 27: Twas the Week Before OFFL

Guy Harewood nabs the Manager of the Week certificate by leading his team to a respectable score of 15 points. A nice spot of form, you might say, before the cup competition this coming week.

It's just a shame that Mr Harewood's Torun Terrors were knocked out in the previous round.

Week 26: OFFL Second Round Fixtures

Well he's only gone and done it again. Unless the Umpa Lumpas have dropped another chocolate muffin in the works. But this time it's a 29 point weekly haul that is worthy a Manager of the Week certificate.

Yes, RS T-Boy extend their lead at the top of the table to 20 points by scoring his second 29 points in a row.

Three other teams have joined the T-Boys in breaking through the 300 point barrier despite losing ground on Mr Beecroft's band of merry men.

What happened to Decimated Left Peg's dominance, eh? [Sound of toilet flushing]

OFFL Cup

ROUND TWO
To be played in Week 28

Sheep City v A God Called Fred

Wymondham Wanderers v Knievel United

BM Mingmongs v Tesco Value FC

HashaSmasha v Menarepigs Is Back

Arsenorm v Olymping Macdrid

Johnny's Heroes v Dube Stars

Livercoolio v Decimated Left Peg

Pompey Puss v RS T-Boy

Martyn Field v Rob Ivison

Steve Tierney v Edgar Rayner

Neil McConaghy v Ashley Keeler

Gavin Ward v Kate Wilson

Mark Norman v Craig McHugh

Sarah John v Khumbula Dube

Russ Bielby v Neil Jukes

Lionel Larking v Rick Beecroft

Week 25: New Leader and a birthday girl

We have a new leader. Rick Beecroft shows off his knickers at the top of the table but how long can he keep them up? Decimated Left Peg has been knocked from the Number One spot before by Dube Stars; surely he won't stand for this puffed up ankle nipping again.

Torun Terrors show off their Manager of the Week this week as Guy Harewood takes the certificate [not supplied] after scoring 34 points. Massive. It should also be noted, probably, how far Johnnies Heroes have climbed over the last few weeks. Dwelling around League position twenty-five until Week 18 there seemed to be sudden change in the Sarah John's wind leading to a steady climb up to seventh.

And finally, we have a birthday in the league. Man-hating [not] Kate Wilson is $%^& years old today, congratulations Kate. May Oxford United gain promotion back into the league so that your season ticket price goes up from its current £3.50 a year to £400 a year.

Giggle, giggle.

Week 24: Cold harsh reality

It was a cold night for our Chairman's latest trip to a live proper real authentic premier league fixture. West Ham United visited Portsmouth for what ended up being a 1 - 1 draw. Easy, as it was, to be within touching distance of the panting, steamy stallions of West Ham's Mark Noble, Matthew Upson and Behrani - naked legs glistening with perspiration... it was also rather simple to be crestfallen by watching the keystone cops that were the Premiership's bottom club, Portsmouth.

No wonder the West Ham faithful were in happy voice. At least they weren't Portsmouth.

It was long after kick off that the beauty of the game and its attendees was evinced through the Hammers' chantings of 'Stand up if you hate Redknapp' followed instantly by the entire army of Portsmouth fans jumping to their feet and repeating the line 'Stand up if you hate Redknapp' followed by, yes, the West Ham fans standing up in return.

Our most respected Chairman had no idea that feelings ran so deeply.

In fact, He even leant over to the rodent-like proletarian, wrapped in a blue scarf and blaspheming tattoos, next to him and observed that it was remarkable how 'So You Think You Can Dance' had captured everyone's imagination.

Manager of the Week is Smasher. His non-moving Inter Milandrover notched up a respectable 23 points pushing themselves just short of the chasing pack. Livercoolio jump into second place to join Dube Stars and RS T-Boy in the hunt for Decimated Left Peg's top spot.

Greg Spencer's Heroes die another death... of minus 1.

Week 23: OFFL Cup Results - First Round

In an OFFL cup week it's always good to see some high scoring going on. Well, for most of you anyway. It's even better to see your team score much less than most and still make it through to the next round because your opponent is improbably even worse than you. [All turn to look at a blushing, head-hanging, Gavin Ward (HashaSmasha) who seems to have relied on his Points per Pound difference to squeeze past Fat Mal's Second 11].

Manager of the Week is Sarah John. Her Johnnies Heroes netted a megalarge 32 points guaranteeing her passage through to the next round. Let's see how the rest of you got on...


OFFL Cup
First Round
Results, Week 23

Sheep City 21 v 8 Lovedean Academicals
Nuttingham Florist 16 v 20 Wymondham Wanderers
Lashings of Cheese 12 v 21 BM Mingmongs
Fat Mal's Second 11 7 v 7 HashaSmasha
Arsenorm 14 v 7 Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes 32 v 15 Cardinal Gold Rovers
Livercoolio 22 v 12 Kicking the Ahbit
Pompey Puss 19 v 15 Upmintster United
Dirtbox Albion 6 v 20 A God Called Fred
Knievel United 19 v -7 Must Murder Mojo Mainly
Gotsmanov's Salute 11 v 12 Tesco Value FC
Mannschester Rovers 7 v 24 Menarepigs Is Back
Spencer's Heroes 3 v 12 Olymping Macdrid
Dube Stars 27 v 13 Inter Milandrover
Decimated Left Peg 26 v 17 Torun Terrors
RS T-Boy 23 v 2 Moanchester Onionited


Congratulations to: Martyn Field, Steve Tierney, Neil McConaghy, Gavin Ward, Mark Norman, Sarah John, Russ Bielby, Lionel Larking, Rob Ivison, Edgar Rayner, Ashley Keeler, Kate Wilson, Craig McHugh, Khumbula Dube, Neil Jukes and Rick Beecroft.

Week 22: OFFL Cup Excitement

As the highly desirable Kate Wilson nurses her wounded -6 scorehaul, Big Mally rubs his belly in celebration of being this week's Manager of the Week [by steering his Fat Mal's Second 11 to a haughty 3 points]. He then takes a few moments to consider whether or not his tic tacs should be exchanged for tactics in readiness for the Cup.

With only a few hours to spare this is his, and your, last chance to get transfers in for the first round of the OFFL Cup. It's this week. And the deadline, as per usual, is the Monday of that week. That is, today at 1730hrs.

Foof.

You know what's at stake... http://j.mp/8RF07I

Indeed, it's the Walshman versus the Welshman, Pet versus Owner, Brighton fan versus Portsmouth fan, Oxford Uni employee versus Oxford Uni employee etc etc. Gosh. How terribly, terribly exciting old bean.

Good luck to one and all.

Week 21: The OFFL Draw for the First Round

Manager of the Week is Alex Blundell. His team, Moanchester Onionited, notched up an impressive 21 points pushing themselves into Twenty-first place in the league. Which means, according to last week's Studmarks, that Onionited will be facing ninth placed RS T-Boy in the first round of the OFFL Cup to be played throughout Week 23.

So, let's have a look at the fixture list for the Cup in its entirety.


OFFL Cup

All games to be played over Week 23.

ROUND ONE

Sheep City v Lovedean Academicals
Nuttingham Florist v Wymondham Wanderers
Lashings of Cheese v BM Mingmongs
Fat Mal's Second 11 v HashaSmasha
Arsenorm v Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes v Cardinal Gold Rovers
Livercoolio v Kicking the Ahbit
Pompey Puss v Upmintster United
Dirtbox Albion v A God Called Fred
Knievel United v Must Murder Mojo Mainly
Gotsmanov's Salute v Tesco Value FC
Mannschester Rovers v Menarepigs Is Back
Spencer's Heroes v Olymping Macdrid
Dube Stars v Inter Milandrover
Decimated Left Peg v Torun Terrors
RS T-Boy v Moanchester Onionited

In other words...

Martyn Field v Danny Atkins
Andy Straw v Steve Tierney
Chris Walsh v Neil McConaghy
Malcolm Pratt v Gavin Ward
Mark Norman v Alun Edwards
Sarah John v Nick Borrett
Russ Bielby v Mat Tucker
Lionel Larking v Minty Colquhoun
Adrian Bradley v Rob Ivison
Edgar Rayner v Chris Brown
Nick Reed v Ashley Keeler
Dan Manns v Kate Wilson
Greg Spencer v Craig McHugh
Khumbula Dube v Smasher
Neil Jukes v Guy Harewood
Rick Beecroft v Alex Blundell

Get those Cup winning transfers in as soon as you can.