Week 25: New Leader and a birthday girl

We have a new leader. Rick Beecroft shows off his knickers at the top of the table but how long can he keep them up? Decimated Left Peg has been knocked from the Number One spot before by Dube Stars; surely he won't stand for this puffed up ankle nipping again.

Torun Terrors show off their Manager of the Week this week as Guy Harewood takes the certificate [not supplied] after scoring 34 points. Massive. It should also be noted, probably, how far Johnnies Heroes have climbed over the last few weeks. Dwelling around League position twenty-five until Week 18 there seemed to be sudden change in the Sarah John's wind leading to a steady climb up to seventh.

And finally, we have a birthday in the league. Man-hating [not] Kate Wilson is $%^& years old today, congratulations Kate. May Oxford United gain promotion back into the league so that your season ticket price goes up from its current £3.50 a year to £400 a year.

Giggle, giggle.

Week 23: OFFL Cup Results - First Round

In an OFFL cup week it's always good to see some high scoring going on. Well, for most of you anyway. It's even better to see your team score much less than most and still make it through to the next round because your opponent is improbably even worse than you. [All turn to look at a blushing, head-hanging, Gavin Ward (HashaSmasha) who seems to have relied on his Points per Pound difference to squeeze past Fat Mal's Second 11].

Manager of the Week is Sarah John. Her Johnnies Heroes netted a megalarge 32 points guaranteeing her passage through to the next round. Let's see how the rest of you got on...


OFFL Cup
First Round
Results, Week 23

Sheep City 21 v 8 Lovedean Academicals
Nuttingham Florist 16 v 20 Wymondham Wanderers
Lashings of Cheese 12 v 21 BM Mingmongs
Fat Mal's Second 11 7 v 7 HashaSmasha
Arsenorm 14 v 7 Radnorshire Tigers
Johnny's Heroes 32 v 15 Cardinal Gold Rovers
Livercoolio 22 v 12 Kicking the Ahbit
Pompey Puss 19 v 15 Upmintster United
Dirtbox Albion 6 v 20 A God Called Fred
Knievel United 19 v -7 Must Murder Mojo Mainly
Gotsmanov's Salute 11 v 12 Tesco Value FC
Mannschester Rovers 7 v 24 Menarepigs Is Back
Spencer's Heroes 3 v 12 Olymping Macdrid
Dube Stars 27 v 13 Inter Milandrover
Decimated Left Peg 26 v 17 Torun Terrors
RS T-Boy 23 v 2 Moanchester Onionited


Congratulations to: Martyn Field, Steve Tierney, Neil McConaghy, Gavin Ward, Mark Norman, Sarah John, Russ Bielby, Lionel Larking, Rob Ivison, Edgar Rayner, Ashley Keeler, Kate Wilson, Craig McHugh, Khumbula Dube, Neil Jukes and Rick Beecroft.

Week 18: Reaching Out to the Masses - and then changing one's mind

Yes, it was a funny old morning. Our Chairman had awoken five hours earlier than normal and so decided to try out something referred to as 'Breakfast' for once.

He'd greedily started munching through his over-milked cornflakes in front of the BBC's morning telly offering when suddenly an image appeared that made him gasp and panic for a short sharp switch back to the dry, humourless Turnbull & Williams sofa love-in.

In fact, the sight that was, quite literally, thrown up on Our Chairman's tastefully tinsel-framed screen was so traumatic that Our Usually Dignified and Most Serene Chairman returned the throw-up by guffaw-spewing an entire mouthful of milk and soggy flakes all over it as he desperately tried to reach for the remote control Off switch.

The sight that caused such spasms was that of OFFL Manager Nick Reed, of Gotsmanov's Salute.

On television.

In colour.

Shirt And Tie.

And Everything.

Clearly he was about to announce that his club was not in any financial trouble at all and could, actually, do with a bit more support from the fans. However, suffering from nerves and cold feet at the thought of the potential damage he could be doing to dressing room morale he chickened out at the last moment and ranted on and on about some sort of Transport Stat' about mobile phone usage on the road.

And such is the inadequacy of the current crap crop of investigative BBC Churnalists waving fluffy microphones in people's faces that the earnestly four-eyed presenter even encouraged Mr Reed to go off message with his stupid questions about accident rates and driving abilities.

Luckily for Mr Reed, the Chairman has decided against fining his team for having a manager that abuses his own pretty boy looks to intimidate the opposition. His eventual League position and inevitable Cup exit will be humiliative punishment enough.

The entire débâcle can be witnessed here http://j.mp/6He3MZ

Manager of the Week this week is Sarah John who guided her Johnny's Heroes to a weekly haul of 18 points.

Massive.

Arsenorm climbs furthest, up four, while Mat 'Lazy' Tucker wrestles last place from the incompetently loose and wimpish grip of Greg Spencer's Spencer's Heroes.

And finally, Neil 'Decimated Left Peg' Jukes retrieves the lead from Khumbula 'One Week' Dube.

And that, my lovelies, is all for this week.

WEEK 14: Johnny's Zeroes

On most Guy Fawkes Nights, our most gracious Chairman is very much like a pre-spooked Ebenezer at Christmas.

Wrapped up in a thick winter coat, woolly scarf strangling his throat into nothing but grumpsome gurgles, wheezingly wondering how on earth his personal nurse had come to the conclusion that an outside stroll to see the fireworks would be of any enjoyment to him whatsoever.  Whiz Bang Bah Humbug!

However, this year, something happened to distract the tedious ooh-ing and aah-ing at the overhead explosions.  Whilst trying to stealthily extend a would-be thieving mitten-clad hand in the direction of a distracted child's half-eaten hot dog, The Chairman suddenly caught sight of the only remaining telephone box in town.  Not particularly attention seeking on its own you might think but on this occasion Our Most Sober Chairman was taken aback.

Within the telephone box was a whirling woman blurrily spinning into a change of blue and red.

Suppressing his urge to rebuke her for occupying a telephone box without any intention of using it for its designated purpose, our Chairman watched astounded as the door opened to reveal the Manager of Johnny's Heroes, Sarah John [pictured] step out dressed as Supergirl, sniffing the cold air for a fantasy team to save.

Indeed, our erstwhile superzero has turned her attention to her own outfit of fantasy failures.

At last.

In a press statement she claimed that the overpowering smell of gunpowder on the night had inspired her to "put a rocket up my team and bring much needed sparkle to the languishing damp embers which has become Johnnies Heroes".

Six transfers followed.

And to be honest, that's really all we, here at Studmarks, had for you this week:  "Sarah John submits six transfers".  But, well, you know how it is once the Chairman has one of his hallucinations.

More interestingly, perhaps, the Manager of the Week certificate is being torn up, with each piece being shared out amongst Alex Blundell, Nick Reed, Alun Edwards, Dan Manns, Sarah John, Gavin Ward and Adrian Bradley.  All of whom managed to steer their respective teams into scoring an enormous 3 points.

Aww Bless.

We thank the distorting effect of yet another 'International Week'.