Monday 30 November 2009

Week 16: Compression


Things are beginning to shift. The Chasing Pack [positions Three to Eight in the table right now] is compressing. And making up ground on the Way Aheaders.

OFFLologians seem to be commenting that history suggests we should expect a lone team to be spat out of the Chasing Pack in an upwards direction, any time soon, taking the leaders by surprise.

And the reason for this League Table Brownian excitement?

http://j.mp/8RF07I

Yes. It's amazing how one little teapot can have such an effect on League activity. The thirst for glory. The romance of the cup. It's inspiring, isn't it?

For the second time this season, Manager of the Week is Dan Manns. His team, Mannschester Rovers netted 23 points this week, moving them up to seventeenth. Menarepigs Is Back have finally leapt over the 100 point mark and Olymping Macdrid move up four.

You're all rather lovely.


Monday 23 November 2009

The 2010 OFFL Cup Prizes

It's what you've been waiting for, isn't it?


Indeed this is what makes the pain worthwhile.  Knowing that it's for something special.

Indeed, play this little YouTube clip to see this season's very exclusive prize for the eventual winner of the OFFL Cup. 

 "It could be you"

This season's prize was proudly donated by Mr Mark Faulkner.  There are also a couple of consolation prizes for the runner up of course. 

May the contest begin.



Week 15: Earthquake

Some might put an open palmed hand to their foreheads in disbelief. Others might just have frozen to the spot, eyes wide, with a frightened, but steady gulp to give away that feeling of shock inside. And those from the highly predictable F•R•I•E•N•D•S generation would merely have clasped their hands to their mouths to mufflescream the drama queen's speech of...

Oh.

My.

God.

They say, indeed, that the fore mentioned deity moves in mysterious ways. This is often just a phrase used to cold comfort a chit-chatter after news of a major human disaster. Like an Earthquake, for example.

Well, He [or She] certainly unleashed the Point-equivalent of an earthquake on this particular Fantasy Football League Village. Not only did the Manager of the Week certificate go to Khumbula Dube for his Dube Stars' 34 point mega-haul, but also the worst score of the season [so far] has been suffered by, yes, we all know who, Mat Tucker's Tat Mucker.

Minus 9.

Thank you Jermaine Defoe and Aaron Lennon.

The Table has been shaken with such ferocity that teams have been jiggled around the League placings like never before. Smasher falls to seventh, Pompey Puss falls seven, Wymondham Wanderers climb five, Dirtbox Albion climbs up six and Cardinal Gold Rovers climb highest by jumping up eight places.

Massive.

Word.

Monday 16 November 2009

WEEK 14: Johnny's Zeroes


On most Guy Fawkes Nights, our most gracious Chairman is very much like a pre-spooked Ebenezer at Christmas.

Wrapped up in a thick winter coat, woolly scarf strangling his throat into nothing but grumpsome gurgles, wheezingly wondering how on earth his personal nurse had come to the conclusion that an outside stroll to see the fireworks would be of any enjoyment to him whatsoever.  Whiz Bang Bah Humbug!

However, this year, something happened to distract the tedious ooh-ing and aah-ing at the overhead explosions.  Whilst trying to stealthily extend a would-be thieving mitten-clad hand in the direction of a distracted child's half-eaten hot dog, The Chairman suddenly caught sight of the only remaining telephone box in town.  Not particularly attention seeking on its own you might think but on this occasion Our Most Sober Chairman was taken aback.

Within the telephone box was a whirling woman blurrily spinning into a change of blue and red.

Suppressing his urge to rebuke her for occupying a telephone box without any intention of using it for its designated purpose, our Chairman watched astounded as the door opened to reveal the Manager of Johnny's Heroes, Sarah John [pictured] step out dressed as Supergirl, sniffing the cold air for a fantasy team to save.

Indeed, our erstwhile superzero has turned her attention to her own outfit of fantasy failures.

At last.

In a press statement she claimed that the overpowering smell of gunpowder on the night had inspired her to "put a rocket up my team and bring much needed sparkle to the languishing damp embers which has become Johnnies Heroes".

Six transfers followed.

And to be honest, that's really all we, here at Studmarks, had for you this week:  "Sarah John submits six transfers".  But, well, you know how it is once the Chairman has one of his hallucinations.

More interestingly, perhaps, the Manager of the Week certificate is being torn up, with each piece being shared out amongst Alex Blundell, Nick Reed, Alun Edwards, Dan Manns, Sarah John, Gavin Ward and Adrian Bradley.  All of whom managed to steer their respective teams into scoring an enormous 3 points.

Aww Bless.

We thank the distorting effect of yet another 'International Week'.

Monday 9 November 2009

Week 13: Bottom Dweller Creepage

Last week's bottom-dweller is this week's Manager of the Week certificate winner after Edgar Rayner's Knievel United notched up an untouchable 21 points. This has also meant a rise of one place in the table for the latest entrant to this year's competition.

Current Champions Radnorshire Tigers, however, can't be quite so pleased with themselves as they drop like a stone, scoring minus 3 and falling four places. We, here at OFFL HQ, hear rumours of the much maligned 'backing of the Chairman' for manager Mr Edwards.

Things are bleak. Oh so bleak.


Monday 2 November 2009

Three More Hundred Pointers



Flicking off the crumbs of yet another fun-size packet of Maltesers from the taut surface of his debauched belly, the Chairman actually managed to notice this week that the teams in positions two to six all made up some ground on the early season tearaway leaders, Decimated Left Peg.

Then a button popped off his waistcoat and stole his attention away from all matters OFFL leaving us here at OFFL HQ to marshal things as usual.

Which means that we have decided to fill this annoying piece of time-waste with news that Upmintster United, Pompey Puss and Tesco Value FC are the latest teams to pass the 100 point mark. And also that, in spite of getting rid of Agbonlahor just before he hit a very rich vein of form, Livercoolio push into third.


Manager of the Week this week is Lionel Larking whose Pompey Puss notch up a purrfectly acceptable 22 points Meanwhile good news also greets this week's highest climber, Rob Ivison's A God Called Fred who ascends five places.

And everyone stare at Nick Reed. Go on. Yes. His Gotsmanov's Salute fall farthest. Down seven. Stop sniggering at the back - it could happen to you next week. Well, most of you.